August 1st. It's the one-year anniversary of my second cancer surgery. This was the big one that put me in Shock Trauma ICU for several days. In some ways it seems long ago and in others it seems like it just happened.
A lot has happened since then. A long recovery from surgery and then six weeks of chemo and radiation, four months of chemo, lots and lots of tests. And then more tests. And throw a few more in as well. It was learning - on my own with little help - how to care for my ileostomy. I didn't think I could do it, but I surprised myself.
I thought by this time, I'd be past this stage of my life. I thought I'd have jumped back into a new phase of life with new energy and improved health. Instead, I feel I'm limping back with a good day or two thrown in amidst the rough ones. And still I wait for news of my reversal surgery. The thought that it might not happen frightens me.
If I'm honest (and I try to be), these last few months have been discouraging. God seems inclined to leave me in this place of uncertainty. For a type-A, plan everything to extreme kinda girl, this is at times excruciating. And I wrestle mentally with wanting to hope and yet afraid to because it's so painful to have my hopes crushed yet again.
But I woke up this morning with a glimmer of peace. The sun was shining in blue skies and I sat outside with the slight breeze and listened to the birds sing. Life is precious and even when it's hard it's still good. And God is still good even when my expectations of him don't yield the results I want. And there is hope in my heart - not that I will get the results I want, but that I am his and he is mine. And I'm realizing more than ever that it is enough.
I guess this story won't end with a neatly tied bow and a happily ever after. Regardless of what happens next with my reversal surgery, life won't be what it was before. I'm different now. I've been through too much. So I take comfort in the God of new beginnings and I choose to see where he leads. In the hard things there is grace and in the pain there is comfort. And so I wait...